What I mean
And there is a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings. A bloody battle of logic with emotions, and these two are not made to compromise. Emotions want to be logical! An insoluble problem … yet – I hope so. Fight fueling conflicts and rising costs. It is hard to want and not want at the same time to have desires and not to have – at the same time. To explain rationally something that is ruled by absurdity.
Usually I just run … deep behind me and behind me. I run away, turning in a panic, but I can’t see anything, I just feel something chasing me. I look ahead – and there is emptiness, terrifying, but not enough to stop. I am only accompanied by this piece around, stable and predictable.
I know what is chasing me and what will happen, when I stop, I even know what will happen to the emptiness that I have in front of me, I actually know everything. Emotionally? I don’t know anything, I don’t know if I’m running or standing, whether I’m stepping back or influencing anything. And here the stairs begin … how to combine it into a whole, into something that will be readable to me, something that I can shape and control at least? I would like to change gear for a quick walk, with minimal visibility and a delicately outlined target at the end.
The only way is to slow down and get caught up with what I am getting. I’ve been working on it for some time, sometimes it’s worse sometimes it’s better. Nobody said that internal development would be simple and pleasant. The art of surviving with myself is currently my biggest project. It should be started many years ago, with the help of others, but this does not happen often. How could it if most of us run away? The pattern repeats, it’s hard to blame it, but it’s also hard not to have … The main thing is to focus now on what I can do for myself, because no one else will do it. This is an extremely difficult moment in therapy, realizing this basic truth and accepting it.
It’s easier to just run. The problem is that a lot is missing and it’s difficult to focus on details. It is hard to build continuous movement … That’s why I take up the challenge, because as it would be unbearable, it gets better every day.