Once upon a time, as if light years in the past, reality seemed so ordinary. Time passed dispassionately, all sorts of experiences unknowingly filled the blank pages of life. Deciphered hidden meanings in poems, books, morning coffee with tobacco smoke. Endless conversations about everything and nothing with people who are missing today, laughter, joy and sadness. Those millions of stupid things that shaped each of us … and those that changed the whole world … I wonder about these past moments and memories and now I know that I miss them.
Every day when morning coffee gradually opened my eyes and nicotine hunger by smoking another cigarette I satisfied, thanks to the invisible power and genetic contamination with depressive states somehow tirelessly pushed me forward. It’s probably some curiosity about future events that drove me to action. As I wonder from the perspective of many years, I always waited for something indefinite. This thing was to happen in a moment or be a goal to be accomplished: whether it was an event, sometimes a simple material fulfillment of a dream and sometimes just an unusual waiting for unknown. The constant pursuit of something that at the time of fulfillment became only the next stage on the way to the goal. Utopian but also controversial was the way, unfortunately, I just know it now. This was usually the case, though, and there were moments that were marginally inscribed in everyday life which have just been remembered in my memory in a special way. When the present was the most important thing, when I didn’t fall for something. It is as if time stopped – and it was just those short moments in which I enjoyed what is now appreciating what I have and who I am. For the record, I would add that it does not mean the time when I achieved some noble goals, successes or something similar. Many times, joy and fulfillment resulted in simple and banal situations and moments. Just then I was aware of what was most important rejecting everything around me – the glitz of life and the pursuit of nothing important.
Somewhere between 6 and 7 am when the cold outside, sad people around, riding on a rickety tram line ZERO in the gray-blue capital of Greater Poland, laden with accessories that are supposed to help take care of my future I’m going. I have a book of low flights in my hands …. I go and smile to myself. Despite the foggy, dirty windows, crowded everyday life and later the day, which is similar to others, I still smile to myself. I feel the smell of such days as if it was now and I still smile.
Many times coming home through (as I know now) not very safe dark forest, listening to your favorite music somehow I still smile to myself with each step writing a new story of myself.
Do you also smell this smell somewhere from the past?
Images from the past are like those captured in the frame: perceptible moments whose smell remained unchanged. It is not that these moments were only there: they happen every day. Maybe it is the moment right now – it is invaluable to realize that we are constantly writing a continuation of stories about ourselves.
In the present, I appreciate what is most important: the people around me. Their circle is intentionally small, but above a valuable dimension. It is for them and thanks to them that sense makes history write.
Today, so many years later, I still smile, maybe not so often, but I try to appreciate the moments that life brings. I recommend honestly.